What Are Scientists Really Up To

by Horace J. Digby hjdigby@lexingtonfilm.com


I don't know if you saw that Associated Press story, "Fossils found fused in sex after 65 million years." At first I thought George Burns was dating again.
Frankly I'm impressed. I can't keep my wife's attention long enough to get gravy on the mashed potatoes, so it's tough to imagine a couple in actual physical contact for millions of years. My guess is their braces got stuck.
The odds against this happening are astronomical. First of all, your team would have to be out of the playoffs. Second, there couldn't be anything worth watching on television (ok, so that's a given). Finally, your check book would have to be over overdrawn. Then maybe.
"Honey, why don't we spend some quiet time (wink wink) around the house for, say, the next sixty-five million years?" At my house that's when the phone would ring. It would be our favorite neighbor asking if we were watching a movie.
But this does raise two important scientific questions:
1) Didn't those fossils listen to the part of their wedding vows about "'til death do us part?"
2) Should we give them an anniversary present?
According to Emily Post, the appropriate anniversary gift at fifteen years is crystal. At twenty-five years it's silver. Gold is fifty years. For sixty-five million years, we are probably looking at something like a planet—and a big planet at that.
"Did you see what those cheap-skate Twilleys gave the Johnsons. They only got them Mars."
If you are like most people, you are probably wondering, "What else have scientists been up besides spying on the sex lives of sixty-five-million-year-old fossils?"
And surprisingly, the answer comes from a company in Huston Texas, called Space Services, Inc. (http://www.spaceservicesinc.com/). In their never-ending quest to broaden mankind's scientific knowledge, Space Services, Inc. is selling "memorial spaceflights."
That's right, you can now launch a portion of your loved one's cremated remains into space aboard a commercial or (and here's the important word) scientific satellite.
When I found out who would be using their services, it warmed my heart (or it could have been the pizza I had for lunch). In early 2006 the earthly remains of James Doohan (Star Treck's "Scotty") will boldly go onboard the "Falcon-1," to be blasted into space from Vandenberg Air Force Base, California.
The question on everyone's mind is, "Why couldn't it have been William Shatner's remains instead?"
"Because William Shatner's remains are too busy, filming new episodes of “Boston Legal,” the scientists answered.
"Bummer!" everyone replied, in unison, sounding not unlike the Everly Brothers.
But the real question on everyone's mind is, "Can we actually attend the launch?"
Wende Doohan, "Scotty's" widow, says yes. She has invited fans to attend the launch, "and for those who can’t," she said, "just look to the heavens on launch date and know that you are sharing a Worldwide Memorial for James “Scotty” Doohan."
We are also invited to send along an electronic message with "Scotty," at no cost: http://www.nameastarspacelaunch.com
/doohan_message.asp.
But what if your loved are ones are not quite ready for a memorial space flight? Never fear. Scientists are also, according to their website, providing an opportunity to name stars.
"Naming a star for a loved one is an imaginative and symbolic gift . . . starting at just $19.95."
This leaves only one question, "What about Leonard Nimoy's remains?"

-- Horace J. Digby --
Winner of the 2005 Robert Benchley Society Award for

Humorhttp://www.lexingtonfilm.com/

Editor's note: Digby continues to hanging around our offices ever since we fed him. But he adds something to our publication. It might be humor.

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