How I spent My Summer -- by Horace J. Digby

In September Sharon and I went to Italy with friends. It involved loads of hiking in Zermatt on top of Klein Matterhorn and in the Italian costal region known as Cinque Terre, exploring ancient Rome, with visits to Pisa and Venice.

In Portofino Our chartered boat moored just next to the Dolce & Gabbana yacht. The designers have a mansion suspended from cliffs just west of this small village. When we arrived the D&G crew was busy scurrying about the deck sporting silver windbreakers which matched the yacht's hull.

Sharon and I spent several hours to exploring curious shops and public buildings, then took lunch at a harbor cafe. Later, when we headed back to our boat, a commotion welled up behind us. As it turned out Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony were onboard the Dolce & Gabbana yacht.

Deciding to brave a small storm of paparazzi, J-Lo and Marc had come ashore. they were headin off toward the same cafe Sharon and I had visited. Photos made People Magazine online that afternoon: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20227900,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines. Fortunately the extreme respect People Magazine and most paparazzi have for our privacy prevented Sharon or I from being mentioned in the articles.

After Portofino we visited the North Italian lakes region, crossing into France and taking a three-day side trip to the Swiss alpine village of Zermatt where we explored the Matterhorn. We took a ski lift thousands of feet up the mountain to glacier fields on Klina Matterhorn, visiting with Alpine enthusiasts from around the world. The Matterhorn is amazing. It's nearly an exact copy of the one they have in Disney Land. The whole thing was sort of a last minute trip for Sharon and I, but what a blast.

We returned from Italy on Monday. Thursday I had a deadline to deliver the foreword for author Ed Tasca's new book, The Fishing Trip That Got Away. Then, on Friday I was due in NYC to entertain at the 2008 Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor banquet. This year's award went to Madeleine Begun Kane ("Mad" Kane), and our celebrity judge for 2008 was none other than Bob Newhart.
It was great getting to work with Newhart. What a true gentleman he is.
The awards ceremony was exciting. We met for drinks at the famous Algonquin Hotel where Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker and the literary who's who of the 1920s and 30s met as part of the Algonquin Round Table. Dinner and the evenings entertainment were next door at the Harvard Club (Benchley had been a member). It's always tough to perform for humor writers. They tend to analyzing instead of laugh. So you have to surprise them. It's always best if the humor starts before they see it coming. So I started out introducing guests, and then, at just the right moment, my cell phone rang, and I did the following monologue:

Horace J. Digby
(answering his cell phone)

Hello? [pause] . . . You have perfect timing. [pause]
. . . I was just getting ready to [pause] . . .
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure
to announce that, tonight we have, on the line, all
the way from Bellaire, California, Bob Newhart.

(Horace raises hand to stifle applause)

Bob wanted me to tell [pause] . . . What, well, no,
they can't actually hear you [pause] . . . We weren't
actually able to [pause] . . . Oh no Mr. Newhart I'm
sure they all believe it's really you on the line
[pause] . . .

I guess I could ask you something only you would
know. [pause] . . . Yea, that's right. If only you know
it . . . they wouldn't know if you got it right. . .

Hello? What's that ma'ma? . . . Three dollars for the
next three minutes? I don't have . . . this is a cell phone.
There's no slot to deposit three . . . Hello? . . . Hello?
. . . She hung up.

This homage to those one-sided telephone conversations which made Bob Newhart famous brought the house down. It was met with vigorous laughter and very warm generous applause. Benchley Society Chairman David Trumbull later invited me back to entertain at future awards presentations, "forever."

After New York, it was back to work for me. It started with a big law suit. Half way through we got continued to next spring.

Oh, and, you may have noticed that my running mate Hank Rasco and I lost the presidential election again. Next time we've got to figure out how to actually get our names on those "ballot" thingies. The rest of the story is at http://www.lexingtonfilm.com/digbyrasco2008.htm. Rasco and I haven't officially conceded yet, so I think technically we are still in line for the Oval Office if Obama drops out or something.

Sincerely, your pal,
Horace J. Digby