What Are Scientists Really Up To

by Horace J. Digby hjdigby@lexingtonfilm.com


I don't know if you saw that Associated Press story, "Fossils found fused in sex after 65 million years." At first I thought George Burns was dating again.
Frankly I'm impressed. I can't keep my wife's attention long enough to get gravy on the mashed potatoes, so it's tough to imagine a couple in actual physical contact for millions of years. My guess is their braces got stuck.
The odds against this happening are astronomical. First of all, your team would have to be out of the playoffs. Second, there couldn't be anything worth watching on television (ok, so that's a given). Finally, your check book would have to be over overdrawn. Then maybe.
"Honey, why don't we spend some quiet time (wink wink) around the house for, say, the next sixty-five million years?" At my house that's when the phone would ring. It would be our favorite neighbor asking if we were watching a movie.
But this does raise two important scientific questions:
1) Didn't those fossils listen to the part of their wedding vows about "'til death do us part?"
2) Should we give them an anniversary present?
According to Emily Post, the appropriate anniversary gift at fifteen years is crystal. At twenty-five years it's silver. Gold is fifty years. For sixty-five million years, we are probably looking at something like a planet—and a big planet at that.
"Did you see what those cheap-skate Twilleys gave the Johnsons. They only got them Mars."
If you are like most people, you are probably wondering, "What else have scientists been up besides spying on the sex lives of sixty-five-million-year-old fossils?"
And surprisingly, the answer comes from a company in Huston Texas, called Space Services, Inc. (http://www.spaceservicesinc.com/). In their never-ending quest to broaden mankind's scientific knowledge, Space Services, Inc. is selling "memorial spaceflights."
That's right, you can now launch a portion of your loved one's cremated remains into space aboard a commercial or (and here's the important word) scientific satellite.
When I found out who would be using their services, it warmed my heart (or it could have been the pizza I had for lunch). In early 2006 the earthly remains of James Doohan (Star Treck's "Scotty") will boldly go onboard the "Falcon-1," to be blasted into space from Vandenberg Air Force Base, California.
The question on everyone's mind is, "Why couldn't it have been William Shatner's remains instead?"
"Because William Shatner's remains are too busy, filming new episodes of “Boston Legal,” the scientists answered.
"Bummer!" everyone replied, in unison, sounding not unlike the Everly Brothers.
But the real question on everyone's mind is, "Can we actually attend the launch?"
Wende Doohan, "Scotty's" widow, says yes. She has invited fans to attend the launch, "and for those who can’t," she said, "just look to the heavens on launch date and know that you are sharing a Worldwide Memorial for James “Scotty” Doohan."
We are also invited to send along an electronic message with "Scotty," at no cost: http://www.nameastarspacelaunch.com
/doohan_message.asp.
But what if your loved are ones are not quite ready for a memorial space flight? Never fear. Scientists are also, according to their website, providing an opportunity to name stars.
"Naming a star for a loved one is an imaginative and symbolic gift . . . starting at just $19.95."
This leaves only one question, "What about Leonard Nimoy's remains?"

-- Horace J. Digby --
Winner of the 2005 Robert Benchley Society Award for

Humorhttp://www.lexingtonfilm.com/

Editor's note: Digby continues to hanging around our offices ever since we fed him. But he adds something to our publication. It might be humor.

Copyright © 2005 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved

I Am Not In Denial

by Horace J. Digby
http://www.lexingtonfilm.com


Our society is obsessed with counseling. It's everywhere—marriage counseling, anger counseling, depression counseling, just to name a few. Depression counseling in particular strikes me as odd. Say you are depressed because a gang of thugs is after you. Isn't it fundamentally wrong for me to suggest that you embrace the experience? After all, depressed people are usually just the ones who have the best grasp on the situation.

Feeling depressed over evils, like international terrorism, or prime-time television, is a good thing. Sure, some wealthy, gifted, talented people don't seem to have a reason for depression, but maybe they are just worried about the rest of us.

Depression is an appropriate response. Realizing this made me feel better. I even started dwelling on the good things in life, like the Yankees losing a World Series for a change. Now I have less to worry about. For one thing, I don't have to worry about depression anymore.

But my euphoria was short lived. I began to wonder if it was wrong to not be depressed. So I called on my old friend Caufbaugh Twilley. He was quick to diagnose my condition.

"You're in denial, Horace my boy," Caufbaugh said. "It's the worst case I've ever seen."

Figuring Caufbaugh might just be stumping for business, I told him, I was not in denial. But he explained that denying I was in denial, proved I really was in denial. I couldn't argue with that. I couldn't even understand it. And what about those nagging feelings of comfort and well-being? Were they a subconscious cry for help? Something told me Caufbaugh was right.

Knowing that depression is normal is a positive step, Caufbaugh explained, but feeling good about knowing it, is back sliding.

"If depression is normal," Caufbaugh said, sketching it out on a napkin as he talked, "and you are not depressed, then you are not normal." I couldn't argue with that either. So I made an appointment.

I ruffled when Caufbaugh told me how much the counseling would cost, but he reminded me that anger issues were extra, so I just wrote a check. Anger management would have to wait until I got over feeling okay about not being depressed.

By our third session I was feeling pretty bad about having felt good about not being depressed. Caufbaugh asked how that made me feel, and without thinking, I told him I felt good about it. We both knew that meant I'd need more treatment.

I am making progress. Now that I can admit I'm in denial, I'm no longer in denial about being in denial.

Although, the thought of paying extra for anger counseling still pisses me off.

-- Horace J. Digby

Copyright © 2005, Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved
Visit Lexington Film, LLC Copyright © 2005 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved

Welcome aboard. SandBagger Mag-e-zine has been loads of fun over the past four years. The reaction it has gotten from the our many readers is gratifying. It is always fun when people from around the world contact me to say they were sent a copy and want to know how to get on the mailing list. I've made loads of good friends that way over the past few years.

The idea behind this blog is to give SandBaggers, SandBagger Mag-e-zine Readers and others a chance to log on and blog on about what they think is important, or funny in the world at large.

I'll take no responsibility for the stuff you post, but try to keep it in good taste (i.e. free of bad language, etc., because my dog reads this stuff, and she is still a puppy).

Your Pal,
Horace J. Digby
http://www.lexingtonfilm.com