The Big Easy (Just got easier)

by Horace J. Digby

For years I've made plans to visit New Orleans at Mardi Gras. But it just doesn't happen. I actually had tickets and res-ervations one year, when, all at once the New Orleans police went on strike.

A friend who lived in the French Quarter told me it would be a really bad time to visit. Instead, he sent me accounts of street violence he had witness and on one occasion suffered, during the Fat Tuesday through Ash Wednesday celebration.

So, as the once popular song almost goes, "I know what it means to miss New Orleans," and Mardi Gras.

Still in the throws of disaster, New Orleans needs our help. They need a place to hold Mardi Gras 2006. And why not Longview.

Longview has many features that make it ideal for Mardi Gras:

1) It's not under water. Not even part of Longview is under water, this year, so far.
2) It is near a big river (some parts are wider than a mile). The river has dikes too, just like the ones in New Orleans.
3) Longview is a center for original, traditional American music. Dozens of famous and near-famous American musicians have performed here . . . like Paul Revere and the Raiders, Sonny and Cher, Ike and Tina Turner, Merrilee Rush, The Kingsmen, The Wailers, The Impacts, The Panics, Arrows for Eros, The Brougham Closet, Doug York, Pat Goodbla, Johnny Mitchell and Keith Holter, Grady Harris, Derwood McBride, Leon Richey, Willie Nelson, Bill Booth, Mike Poe, Dick Olsen, Dave Dismore, Guy Live, The Doobie Brothers, Don Mclean, Bill Lussenden, some guy with a zither, and The Smothers Brothers . . . they have all performed here. Elvis once stayed at a motel in Kalama, so that counts too.
4) Longview also has parts of town with interesting names, like Down Town, the Highlands, the Old West Side, Mint Valley, and The Circle. Sure, there's no French Quarter, but the city council could probably come up with one if anyone complains.

The point is, Longview has everything necessary for Mardi Gras, except, of course, those Mardi Gras beads everyone wears, and those wrought iron balconies.

Wrought iron balconies are important. Just look at any picture of New Orleans. If we put up a few of those balconies, the Mayor of New Orleans wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Fortunately, we can get those beads and balconies from my good friend Caufbaugh Twilley (caufbaugh@lexingtonfilm.com). If we act fast, Twilley will probably let us have them at only two or three times retail (if we pay cash).

Tourists coming to Mardi Gras will also expect parades. Here's my thought. We can hire Guy Live and George Ford to wander around playing music and doing magic tricks. That's will be more entertainment than is actually needed, considering the fact that about 500,000 tourists will be too busy milling around, trying to find parking, food and lodging, to notice that there were only two people in the parade.

Cleaning up after all those tourists won't be a problem either. We'll just call FEMA.

-- Horace J. Digby --

Copyright © 2006 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved